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Something… from everything.

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about synthesis. So many voices and sounds and messages coming at you from all angles – what if they make a cohesive whole? Or failing that (does anything ever seem whole?), do they make a more complete picture?

I am a person who wants to believe in synthesis. I think we all do on some level – even if we believe that everything is ultimately a result of chance – we need some level of synthesis to make ‘sense’ out of any aspect of our lives. And who doesn’t want sense? I think that we want the boundaries of chance to end at us – that internally, we need some level of meaning. And that requires great synthesis.

At this moment I’m tired. This last week I have been as sick as I’ve been in years. Fever, chills, varying level of consciousness, and other stuff I won’t mention. Now, I’m mostly better. But I’m beaten. I imagine that this is similar to how a fighter feels after a long, hard, grueling battle – the next day, after all the adrenaline has left, and the endorphins are no longer masking the true cost. I tell this to my patients, too. When they are exhausted and disgusted with how weak they feel and they can hardly move from their bed – I remind them that their body has been fighting hard, behind the scenes.I’m not just physically tired, either. I’m emotionally tired, mentally tired, spiritually tired. I guess that’s the other side of synthesis.

I’ve chosen synthesis. I’ve chosen to believe that the separations between things is a lie. The mental, the physical, the spiritual, the emotional. At best they are separated by permeable membranes. We place them in the corner where they seem to fit, and they bleed out and through and onto everything else. Two weeks ago I was excited and hopeful and seeing the connections between everyone I was listening to and speaking with. Then I puked my guts out (sorry, wasn’t going to mention that…), laid on the floor and shivered uncontrollably until my wife found me and put her feeble husband back to bed. Now I’m a little more hesitant to speak of the potential and divinity in each person, of the restoration of all things…

But I’m still for synthesis. After all, I’m here writing entirely because I felt too beaten to do anything else. And after numerous attempts at starting this… thing – numerous attempts that felt forced and clumsy and banal – this post finally… belongs.

In my first attempts at posting, I tried to lay out why I was writing. Who the hell needs another blog!? Unsurprisingly the answer is likely “no one” and “I do”. But I do hope a few of you enjoy it. In an effort to differentiate it, I will say that this blog will be about synthesis – my attempts and others’ attempts to make something out of everything.

Just as everyone is.

 

PS – There is a audio file above, which is pretty much exactly the same as what’s written, read aloud by yours truly. (For those too lazy to read… I included it because I understand…)