Tag: #mattrigby

It Can Be A Lot Of Things

December 23, 2022 / / 0 Comments
Reflections (on reflections!) and on how this season can hold contrasts and contradictions

We loaded the family into the car on the coldest night in nearly a year. 

Despite having started the engine prior, we slid onto still frozen leather seats, listened to the car hinges creak in objection as we closed the doors, and shivered in place as we watched our breath form and then dissipate before us. 

Considering the cold, there were remarkably few objections from the back seat. This was one of our favorite Christmas pleasures, even if it was a simple one: the annual hunt for the best and brightest lighting displays in our city. 

We started the holiday playlist as the car began to lurch forward, wheels crunching into the squeaking packed snow beneath. Soon we would be singing along to “You’re a Mean One Mister Grinch”, arguing whether “Last Christmas” was so bad it was good (or just plain bad), and musing over how the most popular version of “Sleigh Ride” could be both tacky, and a classic. 

We ignored the price of gas as our hunt took us from one end of the city to the other. We turned indiscriminately down promising looking side streets, where luminescent bulbs beckoned us closer. We marveled at lights wound tightly around branches of towering maple trees. We admired restrained displays of outlined awnings, windows and door frames. 

And then we observed the spectacle. 

We drove wide eyed past whole communities illuminated in blinding lights. Past icicles that fell in cascades, past houses bathed eerily in a crimson red glow, past strobing lights spelling out Christmas greetings. Past inflatables and animatronics. Past snow capped and illuminated Nativity scenes, Santas, Frostys, Minions and one adventurous Grinch dangling from a line of lights strung up between two unified neighbors.  

But all of the illumination of that neighborhood, the pomp and the pageantry, was positively subdued compared to what came next. A single house dazzlingly lit with over 18,000 RGB pixels, casting Christmas music by FM radio to any and all passers by. Each new song was accompanied by coordinated lighting, scrolling lyrics, pixelated graphics displayed on the main living room window, and a snowman whose digital face mouthed each and every word. 

We stared into this stranger’s front yard and windows for a long while, while upbeat, bass pounding songs about angels and stars and saviors and snowmen washed over us. To my kids, it seemed pure magic. And I sat there, marveling at the work, the cost and commitment, the extravagant production of it all. 

It would have been a fitting end to the evening. But we had one more sight to experience. 

We had all seen the Tree of Hope before, of course. A great glowing tree of nearly 50 meters is hard to miss, and easy to spot from any number of surrounding communities and side streets. It is easily my favorite holiday decoration in our city. A sight both grand, and restrained. Gigantic, yet simple in form. Over 25,000 LED bulbs, but all a simple white. Luminous, but also transparent. I have admired this landmark for as many winters as I have been in Kelowna, but until recently, I had never come right up to it. 

You really should though. Things can look very different up close. 

We were able to park just feet from the attraction, and stepped out of the car into the bristling cold. Our kids reluctantly posed between chattering teeth in front of the tree, and then immediately ran back to the warmth of the still running car, shortly followed by their mother. I stayed a while longer. 

Up close, the ‘tree’ didn’t resemble a tree at all. Staring up into its latticed, crane-like centre column and surrounding metal rings, it looked much more like a construction project than a living thing. The countless strands of vertical lights quivered and knocked against their anchors in the winter wind, as if they were also shivering in the cold. There was no warmth from those lights, and despite their great number they seemed feeble in contrast to the endless black sky above them. 

How strange that drawing close to something would reduce it. I turned towards the car, towards warmth, and towards home when something flickered in my periphery. It was another illuminated Christmas tree, this one lacking no radiance. This one seemingly alive, shimmering and dancing, shifting with my every step. It was an illusion, of course. The windows of the surrounding office buildings had reflected the original tree, but the oppressive darkness and imperfect reflections restored both its tree-like shape and glistening brilliance. 

I returned to my family, to the heat of the car, and to the next shuffled song on our holiday playlist. But in the days that followed, I thought a lot about those shimmering trees. About how the same thing can both disappoint and surprise us. About how something can be both less and more than it appears. 

Christmas is a complicated season. A season filled to the brim with story, meaning and expectations, but also filled with contrasts and contradictions that can be hard to get our heads around. 

Christmas is sing-alongs in the car, but it’s also being annoyed by that same music in the mall. It’s thoughtful presents for those you love and cherish, and it’s fretting over bills and inflation. It’s loud, boisterous gatherings with friends and family and it’s craving a quiet moment alone. It’s dazzling displays, but during the darkest days of the year.

The tree is luminous, and it’s just a piece of construction. It’s pure magic, and it is simple illusion. All of these things can be true at the same time. 

If this time of the year leaves you conflicted, both entranced and skeptical, both excited and exhausted, then there is nothing wrong with you. You are allowed to feel it all. Christmas can be all of that. 

This season can be a lot of things. I hope that it is merry and bright for you.

But I don’t imagine for a moment it’s only one thing.

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Thank you for reading! I wish you and yours a very merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!

The Time It Takes

November 30, 2022 / / 0 Comments

The fall was entirely my fault.

It was July, and our decision to camp near Lake Chilliwack was centered around the surrounding mountains and extensive hiking options. The day’s excursion was to the top of nearby Elk Mountain. It was only 3.5 kilometers from the parking lot to the summit, but hidden in that very pedestrian sounding distance was a demanding 800 meter elevation gain.

At the start of the trailhead I selflessly offered to take the leash for our excited pup, and selfishly attached said leash to the waist strap of my hiking backpack. 60 lbs of furry, slobbering, whining, barely constrained excitement became my own personal beast of burden, continuously pulling me forward up the mountain, my arms once again free, hiking poles stabbing rhythmically beside me. 

Even with the (considerable) assistance, I was panting and breathless by the time we reached the summit.

By the time we had refueled and rehydrated, I was no longer breathless. But I was exhausted. The heat and elevation had spent me, leaving me weary even before beginning our return. We began our slow, cautious, thigh burning descent, and the worst guide dog in existence remained foolishly tethered to my waist strap. 

I hardly remember the fall. A ledge of no more than 3 feet appeared in front of me, and I turned suddenly to the left to side step it, at the exact moment that my beloved dog leapt over the ledge, pulling me unexpectedly forward and downward with such momentum that I fell hard on my right chest, and was dragged along the ground for several feet.

For the longest moment there was only the panic of being unable to breathe. Bent over on all fours, head low, flirting with losing consciousness. My mind screamed at my body to take a breath, and also calmly reminded myself that it would be a few seconds until I would be able to do so. When I could finally breathe, I heard the gasping, agonizing cry as if it were coming from someone else. 

Breath returning, I sat up and stared at my left hand. The pain to my chest was so all consuming, that I saw my disfigured digit before I felt it. My thumb had become tangled in the wrist strap of my hiking pole, and was now turned unnaturally sideways. I took a deep breath and returned it to (more or less) proper alignment. All while the adrenaline was still surging through my body. All before any member of my family had reached me.

It was a long, painful hour until we reached the car. Another hour until we had reached the hospital, and many hours before an Emergency physician would wrap my thumb in a splint and tensor and tell me that I had fractured the distal tip of my thumb, but that it was (more or less) in proper alignment. What he did not say – what he did not see behind the swelling, high patient demand and short staffing was that I had also severed my ulnar collateral ligament, requiring imminent surgical repair. It would be two whole weeks until this information was discovered at a follow up appointment. 

I was squeezed into surgery the next day. The plastic surgeon reconnected my already receding tendon, and placed my hand in a (new) immobilization splint. After the two weeks in the initial splint, I would be in the second splint for six weeks. Then a month in the third, and the beginning of hand therapy.

I suddenly had the summer off. A difficult feat in most professions, nearly impossible in nursing. I would not be able to return to my regular work in the emergency department for another two months, until my ligament had the strength to handle the strain of regular work, and the stability to remain attached if my hand was unexpectedly grabbed, hit, or overextended during an emergency (all distinct possibilities).

I lost track of the number of times coworkers joked that I had fallen on purpose. Made the calculated decision to throw myself down the cliffside for an extended vacation  A thousand variations on “anything for a few days off, hey?”.

I admit, it was not horrible. My days were early morning walks before the rest of the house had awoken (with my partner holding the dog’s leash), extended afternoons reading in the backyard or beach, sitting out on the deck with my family playing cards, and picking up my love from work in the sunny afternoons to explore each and every new microbrew that had recently sprung up. 

But neither was it ideal. I was frequently frustrated with my new limitations. Future camping trips were cancelled. Biking and swimming (two of our most frequent summer activities) were impossible, and pain was a constant for the first few months. Previously routine activities were unexpectedly difficult. I couldn’t grip socks with two hands, shirt buttons were nearly impossible, turning a pepper mill was a challenge. Each and every day I would discover a new mundane activity that was now challenging or impossible. 

More than anything though, I began to wonder if my hand would ever return to its former state. Progress felt agonizingly slow; exchanging one splint for another hardly felt like forward movement. It was two months before I was even allowed to move my thumb, and when I finally could, I spent hours flexing and extending it, watching as it moved unevenly by a meager few degrees despite considerable pain and effort.  

Every few weeks I checked in with my hand therapist and received a new regimen of exercises and stretches. Each time she inquired about my pain and daily activities, and would measure my grip strength and angles. Each time she was happy with my progress, but I always wanted more. I worried that my sensation felt abnormal, or that my thumb would become fatigued after only a few exercises, or that my flexibility or strength wasn’t where it should be. 

My therapist, with decades in this particular, specialized field, with a wealth of knowledge and experience, placed a hand over my splint and held my gaze. 

“It’s fine, Matt. Really. You’ve done what you can. It just takes time”.

I wonder how many of us need to hear those words. 

I know we’re just talking about a thumb. My thumb. And my specific accident and surgery and recovery. But I can’t help but wonder, how many of us are staring at that thing that is wounded, that thing that is in recovery, willing it and wishing it to heal, to advance, even to return to what we enjoyed before. Maybe it’s your own injury, maybe it’s a wound from the past that won’t stay past,  maybe it’s a relationship, maybe it’s your community or even all of society. How many of us are impatient, frustrated at the seemingly glacial pace of progress – if we even believe that  progress is occurring at all?

I’m not naive enough to think that time heals all wounds. Left untreated, time will only cause some untended wounds to fester. Had my tendon not been reattached properly, had I not been splinted, and resplinted (and respinted) properly, had I not received and practiced helpful stretches and exercises, time would not have been kind to this wound. We (and others) have a considerable role in our healing.

But sometimes everything that can be done, has been done. You have done all you can, and all that remains is time and patience. The average recovery time for my injury and surgery is three to four months before grip strength returns, but up to a year before “full recovery”. I needed time and patience. Now, nearly five months after my injury I can see and feel the progress, but I still get impatient. 

It will take the time it takes.

There is no established timeline for some recoveries, of course. But with certainty we can say that it will not come as quickly as we would like it to. We want to see our growth and healing and progress over minutes, hours and days, not months or years or lifetimes. 

But it will take the time it takes. 

It takes incredible courage to take the long view. To do all the work and exercises we know how to do, and trust that our wounds will continue to heal in their own time. We might not have the vision to see it ourselves. We might not have that level of trust in time.

But we do not wait alone. Perhaps someone can lend us their perspective. Someone who has gone before us, who cares for our healing and wholeness. When you need them, may you hear the words of someone much wiser, much more experienced than yourself. 

May they place their hand upon yours, and look you straight in the eye, and say:

“It’s okay. Really. You’ve done what you can. It just takes time”.

And may they be right. 

The Work Ascribed To Spirits

October 20, 2022 / / 0 Comments
Come to hear Matt explore the competing tensions in the creative process. Stay to hear Matt butcher Chinese name pronunciation.

“I just feel like… if I stop pushing this boulder uphill for a second, it’s going to start rolling back downhill again. Maybe even run me over”.

There is a delicate balance to sharing with strangers on the internet. This man’s comment was entirely too honest for comfort. 

The group he was addressing was an online writing community, and one I valued being a part of. Some online creative groups are merely thinly veiled self promotion machines. This group celebrated each other’s accomplishments, gave feedback (when invited to), and twice a week wrote together (separately) over video in silence, excepting the occasional rustle of papers or laptop keys tapping in the background. 

And occasionally we aired our (uncomfortably honest) frustrations and disappointments with our creative endeavors, and the success (or lack thereof) we found in them. 

“I just wrote a great piece for a local magazine”, he continued. “For a few days, I had a big increase in traffic to my website, even a few signups to my newsletter. But a week later, those same traffic numbers were down, the lowest they’ve been in over a year”.

“I mean…does any of this have any momentum if I stop pushing – if I’m not constantly selling myself?”

There were a lot of murmurs of agreement. That one hit close to home.

It would be one thing if our entire collection of writers were simply novices, lacking the necessary experience, skill and discipline to create something worth reading. But this was a talented group, littered with notable accomplishments. Many of them have written articles regularly picked up by well known websites and print magazines. A few had written novels distributed and produced by respected publishers. A handful were creators of top ranking podcasts. At least one had quit their day job to pursue writing and creating full time (and though they might be hungry or even malnourished, they insisted were not starving). Many had received various awards that all said, in essence: “It’s Good. Keep Going”.

By many metrics,  these were successful writers. But these “success stories” didn’t feel very successful at that particular moment. 

A week later, another “successful” artist posted online about a recent windfall: 

“I just hosted a book signing and meet and greet at the largest bookstore downtown in Vancouver. On a Saturday. My publisher was so excited! I was so excited! I was there for four hours. I sold three books. What am I doing wrong?”

This is hardly a new phenomenon, and even the greatest writers of our time don’t seem immune to this disappointment. In her seminal book on writing “Bird By Bird”, Anne Lamott reveals that after her first book was published, she abruptly realized that “it seemed that I was not in fact going to be taking early retirement”. She then explains that similar self inflicted expectations for fame and fortune would be repeated and dashed with the publishing of many of her subsequent books.

Of course this disappointment is hardly the sole possession of writers. Some form of “what am I doing wrong?” has likely been asked by countless souls in all fields of creative work, especially after some encouraging success. 

It seems we all look for the momentum to build. We all check our website traffic or total downloads too often. We all hope for that viral post, that golden opportunity, that windfall. We all prepare for the fanfare and fame. We all secretly dream of early retirement.

We all want to be “successful” artists, but with each new and fleeting success, our frustration and disillusionment grows. 

Could it be that we’re assuming at the wrong target altogether? Perhaps we’ve been measuring our success but the wrong metrics. Maybe we need a new vision for what the work even is. 

One of my favorite written works, “Poem of the Woodcarver” (a Taoist tale, usually attributed to Chuang Zu) addresses the complex relationship between creativity and creation, pride and prosperity, work and wonder. 

Allow me to share it with you:

K(hing), the master carver, made a bell stand of precious wood.

When it was finished, all who saw it were astounded.

They said, it must be the work of spirits.

The prince of Lu said to the master carver: 

“What is your secret?”

Khing replied: I am only a workman: I have no secret.

There is only this: 

When I began to think about the work you commanded I guarded my spirit, did not expend it on trifles, that were not to the point.

I fasted in order to set my heart at rest.

After three days of fasting, I had forgotten gain or success.

After five days, I had forgotten praise or criticism.

After seven days, I had forgotten my body with all its limbs.

By this time all thought of your Highness and of the court had faded away. 

All that might distract me from the work had vanished.

I was collected in the single thought of the bell stand. 

Then I went to the forest to see the trees in their own natural state. 

When the right tree appeared before my eyes the bell stand also appeared in it, clearly, beyond doubt. 

All I had to do was put forth my hand and begin.

If I had not met this particular tree, there would have been no bell stand at all. 

What happened?

My own collected thought encountered the hidden potential in the wood;

From this live encounter came the work which you ascribe to the spirits. 

That’s a course correction, isn’t it?

The Poem of the Woodcarver does not fix nor address any of the (legitimate) disappointments of my writing group, or my own. Understanding the concepts in this poem will not increase readership, will not procure book deals, will not increase website traffic or newsletter sign ups. It will not sell more books at book signings.

All of those concerns and hopes are understandable and familiar, but they are also secondary, illusionary or even distracting. 

The Poem of the Woodcarver is a tale of singular focus. That is what both infuriates and intrigues me. I want to know how to see the bell stand within the tree and be paid and praised for it! I want to write the work that is true and transcendent and increase my web traffic and downloads! I want to write the novel, and get the publishing deal. These things are deeply entangled, but they are not at all the same. The master carver needed to forget about success, esteem and even his own self for a time. There is a reason he fasts and does not enter the forest for seven days. It takes a long time to let go of the wrong metrics.

Fortunately, the poem also offers us some much better metrics and enticements as well, even if they are more exacting and illusive. It reminds us that there is some deep work of infinite value that has nothing to do with the summons of royalty or the court (success), nothing to do with praise or criticism (self worth) or even our own self (ego). It reminds us that there are some works of art so sublime that they are both timely and timeless, natural and otherworldly. 

The poem asks – if we can only choose one focus, what will it be? How do we guard our spirit? 

Those few who have gone before us, who have revealed their own works of art have the honesty and decency to simultaneously disappoint, and encourage us. The work of creation is ultimately it’s own reward, and one of incomparable value. Immediately after Anne Lamott warns of the many pitfalls of publishing and chasing professional success, she comforts her afflicted reader: “publication is not all that it is cracked up to be. But writing is. Writing has so much to give, so much to teach, so many surprises”. 

This is the work worth guarding our spirit for, worth collecting our mind for, worth developing the sight for, and worth stretching out our hand for. 

Maybe we write that viral post, and maybe we get the publishing deal, and maybe we sell out every copy we have on a weekend. 

And maybe we don’t.

But we get to experience and share that live encounter at the intersection of our preparedness and life’s wild, hidden potential. 

We get the chance to reveal the staggering beauty, hidden in plain sight. 

Maybe even something ascribed to the work of spirits.

When You’re Ready

September 15, 2022 / / 0 Comments
A September story of the first day back to school, of the need for wise teachers …and brave students.

My youngest son was ready at 6 am.

Ready in spirit, in attitude and excitement of course, not ready in any tangible or physical way. The schoolbag was yet to be filled with indoor shoes, a lunch pack, and water bottle, and my son’s face still had traces of honey and peanut butter at the corners of his lips, his overgrown summer hair hanging messily just in front of his eyes.

So much for our intentions of a clean haircut before this, the first day of school. Oh well, enough pomade can wrestle down even the most stubborn of hairs, faces can be rewashed, and bags can be packed quickly enough. 

If he wasn’t ready in spirit, the physical stuff wouldn’t amount to much anyway.

My children are all excited, in their own way. One is physically vibrating as they ask me (for the third time that morning) about their classroom number and teacher. One has worn an old kitchen apron to the table and sits well away from their siblings, so as not to catch an errant crumb, drip or stain on their crisp, first day outfit. 

It is a marker of a good summer when our children both mourn and celebrate its ending. Each child has relished in a season without early morning alarms, in lazy mornings, in lake and pool days, in camping and movie marathons and (dearly needed) gatherings with friends. But brevity certainly adds to summer’s incomparable value. The crisp cool mornings of fall were coming soon, and bus schedules, overfilled backpacks and classes would soon come with it.

I swear (though my kids would never, ever admit it), that by the end of summer they might even long for those days. 

And now those days are here.

We finish the physical preparations. Ice packs slid covertly into lunch kits, water bottles filled, tightened (and inverted for good measure), bus route information confirmed, repeated and then texted to each of the older children (also for good measure). Then the herding of cats children onto the front yard for the obligatory (but no less important) back to school photo. We abandon the traditional doorway and steps surrounded by dried and dying potted plants, and opt for the healthy lilac tree overlooking the street below. I take multiple photos in quick succession and find at least two of them usable. 

Good enough.

My youngest and I make our way to his school. Tables have been set up beside the playground, accompanied by sitting volunteers holding class lists and facing directly into the bright morning sunlight. A kindly woman smiles, squinting despite her sunglasses, and directs us towards the appropriate door. When we reach the classroom my distracted son attempts to walk directly through the doorway before being abruptly halted by the outstretched arm and outward facing palm of his new teacher.

“Where do you think you’re going!?” she playfully growls, furrowing her eyebrows before relaxing her whole face into a wide, natural smile. She introduces herself to us both, and my son laughs nervously, gives me the briefest of waves, and then darts inside, disappearing behind a corner.  

I am momentarily unnecessary, and I am grateful for it. 

Grateful for this teacher, and every other amazing teacher our family has had the privilege of knowing. Grateful for those who partner with us to shape and draw out our children. Grateful for all of those who are prepared enough, patient enough and audacious enough to choose the role of ‘teacher’. 

But there’s also something audacious in those who choose the role of “student”.

Not for my son, of course. Not for any of my children or others still in their youth. Those in their first two decades (wisely) get little say in the matter. But for those of us who have seen a few more decades, who finished our formal education a long time ago, the prospect of becoming a student can seem strange. If you are like me, walking your own children to school, reminding your own teenagers of their bus routes, and finding yourself the same age (or older) as your children’s teachers, perhaps the term ‘student’ even seems regressive. 

And once we’ve finished with clasrooms and lecture halls, who exactly would be willing to take on this mantle of “teacher”?

Perhaps more than we had ever considered. 

Perhaps we need a better education on how to find these teachers, and how to be a student. Because they are two sides of the exact same coin.

A while back, I realized that I was developing a different relationship to some of the voices speaking into my life. Some of these were mentors and colleagues whom I interacted with regularly, but others were authors and speakers  whom I had never met (and some had even lived and died long before I was born). 

All of these voices held knowledge, of course, many of them specific expertise. But some of them called out for reciprocation. They were filled with possibility, with a palpable ache in their voice for their hard won wisdom and learnings to be both acknowledged and absorbed. They sounded like teachers, calling for students, beckoning them inside their classrooms. The fact that we might be estranged by a great distance, culture and time never seemed to bother them.

Or at least, that it is how they sounded, to me. 

For years, I’ve thought on the adage, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear”. What is it that makes the student ready? 

Maybe simply the decision to become one. 

Perhaps the teachers were always there, waiting for their students to take on that all sacred role, to sit down humbly and ask “what can I learn from you today?”. Perhaps we could ask that question of anyone, and be surprised by how many great teachers we are surrounded by. 

Paradoxically, the teachers I admire most seem to accept themselves as students, as well. These are teachers whose extensive experience only increased their commitment to curiosity. Their world was always becoming larger, more complex, never simpler or smaller. These were teachers who were courageous, humble and mature enough to never abandon the role of student.

And despite all that knowledge, and all that wisdom, and all that expertise, these class lists are never truly full. These teachers are always taking on new students. Maybe someone they instruct from the front of a class or lecture hall, maybe someone they sit down with on a regular basis over a cup of coffee. Maybe someone they correspond with online. Maybe someone who hears their words from a great distance, written many down many years ago. 

Maybe someone like you, or me.

Because we will never stop needing great teachers. And there are so many, ready to appear.

When we’re ready to be students.

Reintroduced to Resurrection

April 17, 2022 / / 0 Comments

Reintroduced to Resurrection

So Jesus is kind of like a zombie?”

I bite my lip a little at the unintentional irreverence and honest curiosity of my youngest child, who has his puzzled head cocked slightly to the side.

“Um… it’s a little different than that”.

It’s been a long while since we’ve been to church. Still, when my youngest asks me how Easter came to be a holiday, or what bunnies and eggs have to do with Good Friday, I attempt to give him a (mostly) complete (and age appropriate) explanation of both the Christian story of the death and resurrection of Jesus, and the amalgamation of various pagan and ethnic traditions such as Ishtar and Eoster that celebrate such spring themes as light, new life and (hence the bunnies) fertility.

(Interestingly, the incorporation of chocolate is never questioned. Even my youngest knows better than to look that particular gift horse bunny in the mouth.)

The zombie comment makes me think that I may have missed the mark on my explanation, but the resurrection is hardly a standard or commonplace concept. I’m often intrigued by the strange and inconsistent marriage of western civilizations’ post-Christian culture. We are surrounded by words of great religious significance that have entered our collective lexicon, but often with frustratingly specific, incomplete or completely absent context. Perhaps because of this, these words and concepts are becoming less and less common.

The writer and theologian Jonathan Merritt has noted that as secularization has increased, the use of “sacred words” have dropped off precipitously. Language, Merritt argues, is always being reinterpreted and recontextualized. The only languages that stay static and unchanging are dead ones.

Understandably, those within a religious tradition are also the most concerned with safeguarding sacred language, and therefore the least willing to reinterpret and recontextualize these words and ideas. Meanwhile, outside of that tradition, these terms grow more and more irrelevant.

These days if you asked someone what a specifically religious term like ‘resurrection’ meant to them, you would likely find a striking contrast: either it holds a very specific religious meaning of great importance, or they would view it as my son did, as irrelevant, confusing, and inconceivable.

To my point, I am writing these words during the midst of Holy Week, where Christians the world over mark the betrayal, state sanctioned torture and execution of Jesus, and his unexpected and miraculous reappearance to his friends and disciples (who do not recognize him!) three days later. I am guessing that this event either means something very specific and significant to you, or nothing at all.

I am concerned by this, because I find myself in a third category.

During many years of Holy Weeks I’ve grown up with this story, considered it, watched theatrical versions of it (even performed in a few), sang songs about it, felt swells of emotion towards it and attended countless services about it. Specific meaning and interpretation was presented along with these stories. It was not simply remembering the betrayal of Jesus, but all of mankinds’ betrayal of God. Not just the death of Jesus, but that death as a God-ordained sacrifice and payment for the wickedness of all. Not just the resurrection of Jesus, but the promise of resurrection and unending life for everyone who believes this particular story, for everyone who holds to this particular faith. And for a long time, I was all in.

And then, I lost my old faith.

It was less as a defiant act of unbelief, and more an unintended consequence of abruptly seeing the world differently. After a series of personal tragedies in my immediate family, my notions of God and goodness were unexpectedly upended. All those cherished stories and their given meanings seemed suddenly incompatible with reality. Church as I knew it certainly seemed incompatible with my new grief and seething anger. The cognitive dissonance became too great to bear. I would have to deny my reality, or my old faith. Both could not survive.

I was never an ardent atheist. In fact, for the longest time, I never admitted the death of my faith to myself. One day years later, a good friend was describing a “hopeful agnostic” that he knew, and then he paused, and started to laugh at my own ignorance. I was completely unaware that he was talking about me.

It has been years since those losses that sent my world raveling. In that time, I’ve accepted and made a home for my grief. No one would ever willingly ask for such a wound, but I know that it has helped me see the wounds in so many others. Time doesn’t heal all, but perhaps it allows all.

Surprisingly, time has even allowed those old stories as well. Time and space away from the religious world I knew has decoupled those ancient stories from their specific meanings and dogmas. But instead of rendering them meaningless, I find those ancient stories, words and concepts more interesting than ever before, and occasionally, strikingly true. Removed from the pressures of judging these stories as literally true or false, precious or worthless, these stories get to breathe.

Now, when I consider the betrayal of Jesus, I think about how often people misunderstand goodness and only want power. When I think of the death of Jesus, I think about the violence we are willing to incur in the name of sanctity (and the fact that power structures do not like to be questioned). When I think about resurrection, I think about the fact that new growth includes the death of the old. That the new comes from the old, but it is not the same, and many will not recognize it.

I think about resurrection when I see plants that look nothing like the seeds I buried in the ground weeks earlier. They are the same, and they are different. I think about it when I look at old pictures of my children. Some characteristics never change, a sly smile or a glint in the eye, and yet they’ve grown and changed dramatically. They are not who they were before, and never will be again. I think about it when I look into the eyes of my love, and see a person who both is, and is not the person I married so many years ago. I think of resurrection whenever I meet an old friend whose life has changed forever. The ending of a marriage, a new career, the death of a family member, these events that divide our lives into ‘before’ and ‘after’. No one walks through great love, or great tragedy, unchanged.

And of course, I think of the unexpected resurrection of my own faith, as well. I think of the stories and meanings that guided and formed me, that served me well, until they didn’t. About how they really did die, and stayed dead for a long while. About how unexpected and precious and strange their reappearance was to me. I think of all the words and concepts and stories that are worth decoupling, worth reconsidering, worth reintroducing, reinterpreting and recontextualizing.

I know from some vantage points, this faith looks drastically different, or even unrecognizable from the one I held before. I know that many expect the new to look exactly like the old. But they shouldn’t. Death and resurrection is a part of the process. Not one living thing stays stagnant or static forever.

As I said, it’s less like a zombie.

And more like every living thing.

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